Hopefully this is somewhat worth while!

Well, to all those who continually check this blog, as frustrating and informative lacking as it has been, I wanted to say thank you for all of your support and thoughts. It has been a true blessing knowing that there are people out there thinking of us over here.

What to say. There has been a reason as to why I have not written in this blog since my first entry back in Nepal. I simply have no idea as to what to say to anyone. Those who have been on this trip with me can perhaps testify to this. Also, a blog to me is so much different than something like an email. In an email I know who is reading what I am writing. Yet, a blog, well anyone can read it. Another hard thing about this blog for myself is that I want to write something inspirational, something that touches and moves those who are reading it. Yet I have none of those things to offer. A common thought I believe about being overseas, especially in a place like Kolkata, is that one is to be having dramatic changing experiences, and therefore, many revelations to speak about. Yet, for me, this trip has been quite the opposite. I believe it has been a confirmation of what I have been struggling with for the past year.

As some of you know, I went to Nepal last summer to research the issue of sex trafficking. Through this experience my world was turned upside down, and all the beliefs that I once had, were either severely rocked or completely shattered. In going back to the states, in the process of finishing school, I had a passion to come back to this place, and bring others with me in order that they too may be exposed to just another reality of the world. Of course, this reality is just as much in America as in Kolkata, however, for us middle class white Americans, (except Rho of course, but he thinks his white anyway) the blatancy of the problems in Kolkata are shaking. In being here I have had to ask myself something. Why in the world did I want to come back? Why did I want to bring all these people with me and what is my hope in their worlds being turned upside down like mine? I have realized that my passion for this place has been highly influenced because it was a place that changed me, yet in being here, I have to ask whether I truly care about this place or its people. I have also seen, as obvious as this should have been before and how ridiculous I feel for not understanding this, is that everyone on this trip isn't me and will not react the same way as me to the conditions and state of this place. Yet regardless of that there are still issues here that force themselves on you and it is my hope to have others struggle with these issues.

Heather Busse asked me one day why it is that I want people to question their faith the way that I do. Well, i believe the most obvious is because of my pride, but other than that, I haven't been able to answer her, especially since my questioning, like so many others, has no answer. but i believe that if there is to be this true God, this Christian God, that he resides his these unanswerable questions, these hard questions and if there is this God, I believe that he desires for us to struggle with these issues so that we are pushed to do something about the state humanity is in and conditions in which people live in. My hope is that there is a God that desires community, and equality and wishes all oppressive powers to be removed. Am I making up this God, am I simply creating a God that sounds nice to me? Yes, but are we not all doing that, especially the ones who refuse to help their neighbors in order that they may continue to live their comfortable life. This is not to say that I am doing anything about this, because if there is one thing that I have realized again is that if I am to truly help anyone here, or back in the states, or anywhere, I am going to have to change the way I live entirely. Am I willing to do that?

Another reason why it is that I do not want to write is because I could write forever. Also, in order to capture not only all that I am thinking, but also the background as to why I am thinking the way I am thinking, it would take to long. So what am I to say.......... What is Christianity? What the crap is Christianity, or better yet, where is Christianity? Where is this God that Christians confess in? What about the little girls that we see in Sonagochi, who sell their bodies day in and day out simply to pay rent for a 5x5 foot room? What about all the people sleeping all over the streets here, or the beggars who continually ask you for the money that I have simply because I was born in America and not here? What about all the families and lives that have been displaced so that we Americans and western cultures can have the homes that we do, the cars that we drive, the cities that we walk in or the water that we drink? What about the affects that globalization has on the entire world but most particularly third world countries where there is no hope of escaping their debt to countries like America? What about the billions that have died throughout all of history and have never known Jesus Christ? What about the millions that die daily simply because they have no food? What about the father who died the other day of starvation because large companies buy out their land, displace them, and leave them with no place to go? What about all the individuals in developed countries who have most of the worlds money, in order that they may live "comfortably", while majority of the world lives in complete poverty? What about the man that I met from Papa New Guinea, where there are thousands of tribes that have not even seen a white person before and are completely unreached by the developing world and is one of the poorest countries in the world, who was completely shocked and taken back by the way in which people live here? What about the realization that because of the way that i live, whether ignorant or not, is an indirect cause to how billions live across the world? What about the realization that I have to change? What about the fact that none of the worlds major problems has anything to do with money? What about the fact that even if I dedicated my whole life to a cause such as the end of sex trafficking, that not only would sex trafficking continue, so would the rest of the worlds problem? What about the fact that Christianity has said that it is a religion of the poor and oppressed and yet, since Christ has left, the world is the same or in a worse state than it has ever been? And where is Christ? The exact question that the early church struggled with. What if you found out that the Bible isn't all that is thought to be in our 21st century, post enlightenment thought process? What about Hell, what about Heaven? Have we really contemplated the meaning behind those terms? Do I realize that despite all of these questions, one may simply say they have faith? Yeah I do. But the fact of the matter is that despite what conclusions you may come to in regards to these questions, if we want to say we believe in the Jesus of the Bible, regardless of what the Bible is or is not, that these issues have nothing to do with money, or our idea of what is a necessity for living conditions, it has to do with our hearts and what we truly care about. One of the biggest things that I struggle with is that Christianity condemns others to hell that do not confess in Jesus Christ as Lord. This is scriptural but again, who knows what the Bible is anyway, and secondly, even if the Bible is truly inspired, we can get anything we want out of the Bible. Yet whatever the Bible is doesn't matter to me right now, but one thing that I think is crucial to think about as a Christian, especially especially if we Believe the Bible to be the word of God, is the story of the sheep and the goats in Matthew 25. Many people have asked Gandhi if he is a Christian, he replies, "Ask the poor, they will tell you who are the true Christians."

I have no idea as to what to write except these questions. These are questions I have been asking myself for over a year now. Questions that have been asked for centuries now. Questions that will never be answered. But I write them in hope that it makes you think. Maybe these mean nothing to you, maybe you have already come to terms with them. Maybe you don't want to think about them at all. I have no idea. All I can do is answer them myself the best I can. If there is one thing that I do know though, it is that at least I am a humanitarian. Thank you for listening, praying and reading.

Kolt